The Attempt

Posted: November 18, 2015 in Friday Fictioneers
Tags: , ,

PHOTO PROMPT © C.E. Ayr

We are birds in your cage. Thousands wearing dirty, striped pajamas.
We sing, you strike us. We laugh, you scream. We dance, you ruin our feet.

Each of us leaves something behind.
Jaleh: A comb
Edda: Perfume
Abi: Her favorite high heels
Fahim: Cuff links of gold

Today is our day. My day, really. I clip the barbed wire for all of us. Each captured soul.
We have waited through dark days and bright until now. Now is perfect.
The wire parts. Countless numbers slide through. Oh, how we run!

One bullet. Two. Freedom rips through my back.

 

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Comments
  1. paulmclem says:

    A lot packed into this one. Great effort!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. WOW.. Alicia, that is powerful! I really liked it! Great story! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Love how you pulled the story out.. at the end freedom lies in escape, and getting a coupe de grace instead of a slow torture…

    Liked by 1 person

  4. That’s really powerful. You’ve obviously put a lot of thought into maximising impact with your layout. It works.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. hafong says:

    Wow! is all I can say, Alicia.

    Lily

    Liked by 1 person

  6. ansumani says:

    “Freedom ripped through my back” – what a beautiful image even though it was sad.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. This reminded me of a concentration camp scene and escape.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. vacreed says:

    I really liked the way the story starts, ” We are birds in your cage…”
    Amazing.!! 🙂

    Like

  9. yarnspinnerr says:

    It catches you …..
    Great write.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. draliman says:

    Great story and last line – there are different kinds of freedom from somewhere like that, and she found one.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Dear Alicia,

    Could be concentration camp (stripe pajamas). Could be Syrian refugees. Either way it works. Freedom rips through my back. Stellar.

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

    Liked by 1 person

  12. micklively says:

    Very clever the way you constructed this. Well done.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. gahlearner says:

    I got that it was a concentration camp, but this could also be any prison camp with people imprisoned unjustly, shamefully for us as a species, there are still plenty around. Very powerful, that release from oppression.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. ceayr says:

    Great piece of writing.
    Regardless of where you started, this ended up as a potent piece of work.
    Love it.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. This is brilliantly written. A really powerful use of the word count.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Dale says:

    Oh so very well done. I love this, sad and not at the same time.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Makes me think of the movie “The Boy in the Striped Pajamas.” Except he didn’t get his freedom. At least not in a good way. Great piece.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. plaridel says:

    how sad. freedom is when you’ve got nothing to lose but your life.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. But she has saved those in front of her. This is the price of freedom.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Amy Reese says:

    What a creative piece, Alicia. I imagine you have to leave your favorite things behind and at such a great risk. Nothing is a sure thing. It’s so very sad. Well done.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, Amy. When I think of what I would take in case of fire, earthquake, whatever, my mind whirs. Husband – check, cat – if I can find her, birds – yep! After that?Grandma’s quilt, Mom’s hand-stitched rainbow . . . . Am I out of time yet? Thanks for reading.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Amy Reese says:

        I know. I always think this is something I should get together, but never do it. Maybe this weekend….but really it can’t be a lot. Probably not much more than what you can fit in a pocket.

        Liked by 1 person

  21. Well done. That last line is quite powerful.

    Like

  22. rgayer55 says:

    I loved the tension and flow of this piece, but found it a little hard to imagine having perfume and high heels in the lock-up. The ending was brilliant.

    Liked by 1 person

  23. subroto says:

    What a terrific line to end it with. Very powerful.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. This is powerful stuff, Alicia! You painted a vivid picture and I could visualize the prison camp with its barbwire and desperate souls behind it.

    Liked by 1 person

  25. Sad but powerful story, Alicia. At least there was a moment of happiness before the end. Well done. — Suzanne

    Liked by 1 person

  26. Melanie says:

    Such hope dashed in the end. They tried, and that’s more than can be said for many. Good story Alicia.

    Liked by 1 person

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