Once again it’s time to sketch a story from Rochelle’s weekly picture prompt. This week’s photo has been provided by Amy Reese. Thank you, Amy. My story weighs in at 103 words, whittled down from 111.
A pack’s worth of cigarette butts lay at Jamar’s feet when he rose from the bottom step. His knees and shoulders ached from hunching in the 20-degree cold. No coat, no hat, shoes held together with tape. A slap to his thigh brought his lab, Tinker. Together the old pals shuffled through the snow to the corner – their corner – hard won and jealously guarded.
Jamar set the cracked porcelain bowl beside his foot, pulled a harmonica from his pocket. The first note was raw. Still, a dime clinked into the bowl, followed by a woman’s voice, “That child can’t be more than ten.”
So chilling.. the twist to understand that the smoking beggar is a child. We have such a tendency to paint a scene that is becoming even more tragic (though we should feel compassion also toward that toothless old beggar….) really food for thought.
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I think some children have to grow up far too quickly these days. Well, probably always. Thanks, Bjorn
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Ohh that last line packs a punch Alicia.
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Poor Jamar just kinda’ got younger through the story. He actually started out a woman. Thanks for reading and commenting.
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Think you made the right change.
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Such a surprise at the end, I had to go back and re-read it with the new twist. Beautifully done.
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Thanks very much, Sandra. Always nice to get your opinion. Alicia
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Great ending, really resonates. Thanks for depressing the crap out of me this morning, Alicia!
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No worries, Perry! Really. Glad to accommodate.
Thanks for ready, though. Always appreciate it.
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This is so sad, but well written.
Can’t imagine staying outside without a coat.
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Me neither! Cold and I are not friends.Thanks for reading.
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Same here.
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The writing is chilling…both the 20 degree temperature and your description of 10 year old Jamar…excellent!
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Thanks, Rea Ann, I love it when you stop by and leave a comment. Poor little guy hasn’t got much of a future.
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Good one! Captured the photo prompt perfectly.
DJ
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Thanks, Danny.
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Dear Alicia,
I already felt for Jamar, but when I learned that he’s a child my heart broke. Well done.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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Thanks, Rochelle. By the end of the 100-words, Jamar had changed from a sad homeless person to a child. How the heck does that happen?
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Great last line. Jamar being a child gives your story even more punch, and well done for hiding that until the end.
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Thanks so much. I had to recheck the words many times to make sure the child worked and wasn’t over-done. I had started out with two packs of cigarettes. Too many.
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I don’t think she had much sympathy if she only spared a dime. Too bad.
Great story though. I didn’t expect the last comment. You tied it up well.
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No, I thought of that, too, and left it at a dime. Thanks for reading and commenting.
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I kept imagining an old man – the ending was a brutal surprise. Well done.
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Thanks!
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you did it again. great piece of writing.
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Thank you! What a lovely comment.
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Talk about a punchline. That’s brutal and very effective. The worst crime though is that suffering like this(and worse) is allowed, that no one interfers. Rich and Poor seem to live on different planets, no matter which country they are in. Great writing.
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Thank you kindly. Rich and poor have always been divided by a great chasm.
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Very sad – and great reveal at the end.
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Thank you, I’m glad it worked. Alicia
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That’s amazing how I got a completely idea about different him. To think of a child suffering is worse, but then you realize how no one should I have to struggle like this. Very well done, Alicia.
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You’re right. No one should. Can’t figure out why we don’t take better care of one another. Thanks for reading and commenting, Amy.
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A real indictment of society and how it cares for its children; sadly, not fiction in too many places. Really well done, Alicia, as always! You spin your tales so vividly!
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Thank you, Dawn. High praise from an exceptional writer.
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Aww, that’s so kind! Thanks Alicia.
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What a heart-stopping ending! Very moving – I love how you set it up and then turned it round.
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Thank you, Margaret. I appreciate your comments, always.
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Best I’ve read in a while. That’s very moving and does reflect what’s happening in too many places nowadays. Hope you write him a guardian angel.
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Maybe next week’s prompt will provide a guardian angel tale. Thanks for the lovely comment. Alicia
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Oh wow..10, that’s young!
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I fear children younger than ten are left on their own, too.
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A heartrending story, Alicia, and well-written as always. When I eat I always give thanks for the food being there. I can never forget it isn’t for many. I’ve seen child labor and it isn’t pretty. It’s especially ugly in a case like your story. I once saw a young girl without a coat in the cold in Delhi. Someone told me even if I gave her a coat the adults she knew would take and sell it and she still wouldn’t have one. —- Suzanne
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What a sad story YOU have told. I’m sorry it’s true. Thanks for sharing it, though.
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Great stuff – I did not expect that last line. Its very clever work.
Cheers KT
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Thank you for such a kind comment. Alicia
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You’ve painted the scene well, Alicia – Jamar and Tinker. I hope there are too many of them in the world outside fiction. But I know there are. Just hope they have warm places, clothes and food.
Lily
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Oh, me, too, Lily. Thanks for reading and commenting.
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Oh, my heart broke on that one! Well done!
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Sorry. Thanks for reading.
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