Broken Promise

Posted: January 25, 2017 in Friday Fictioneers
Tags: , , , ,

I’ve been told that this picture has been used before for our Friday Fictioneer prompt. When I went back into my archives, I found the picture but I’d never written a story. Who knows what happened that day? So here’s a fresh never been told, by me, story. Thanks Rochelle and Al.

al_forbes

PHOTO PROMPT © Al Forbes

If it ain’t been for da’ problem, Jacob and Ruby would a’ made it cross dat lazy ole river
but God or da water, somethin’ or someone had a different plan.
All morning they’d lugged moonshine up dat hill to Mister Avirett’s Model T.
He’d promised them $50 and a ride to Orleans
where Jacob could finally start his night club.
Yes, indeedy Jacob shore be lookin’ forward to dat.
When they found my boy and his wife all drowned
Mister Avirett act as if he never seen them two before.
Just drove away with $200 worth of ‘shine hid beneath the seats.

(101 words)

https://www.inlinkz.com/cs.php?id=688909

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Comments
  1. Iain Kelly says:

    Great voice and a believable tragic story.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Dear Lish,

    I love the voice that really sets the stage for the story. Very sad and well told.

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

    Liked by 2 people

  3. neilmacdon says:

    I’m always wary of dialect voices (I’ve used a few myself in Friday Fictioneers). But this one definitely works for me

    Liked by 1 person

  4. michael1148humphris says:

    Loved the voice, Mr Avirett sounds a shady character.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. granonine says:

    Great local color! Love the story.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Dale says:

    I echo all the others’ sentiments… This was a well-told tale in a great voice!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Lynn Love says:

    What on earth happened? Did he abandon them? Bump them off to cover the secret of the moonshine? Was there a fight when he refused to give them a lift after all? Gorgeous snippet of a much bigger tale – I could see this being a dark, longer story

    Liked by 1 person

  8. wmqcolby says:

    My dad used to run moonshine when he was a teenager. He told me he buried bottles beside every other telephone pole. Then, once he got paid, he’d dig them up. Businessman even then.

    Great characters and story, Alicia!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Sandra says:

    The voice worked fine, Alicia. Well done!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. James says:

    Quite the accent you’re imparted your narrator. Does it have an origin in your personal experience?

    Liked by 1 person

    • No, the accent is one my writing practice group loves when I use it in our “Flash Fiction” stories. If I don’t use it for awhile they ask where those characters went. Thanks for asking. (I hope I answered your question.)

      Liked by 1 person

  11. rgayer55 says:

    Great job, Alicia. I love using dialect and/or regional slang. In the “Idiot” story, I did a lot of research on both Canadian and Wisconsin slang. In my opinion, it gives the characters depth and personality.

    That really came through in this piece. Well done.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. draliman says:

    Sounds like a tale of betrayal to me. Great dialect!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Michael Wynn says:

    Great voice and a wicked story. You feel for the narrator’s sense of knowing he can do nothing about what he suspects/knows happened

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Such a tragedy … like the others before me I enjoyed the dialect.
    it’s refreshing to read things in other tones and voices. Nicely done, Alicia.
    Have a wonderful weekend …
    Isadora 😎

    Liked by 1 person

  15. You are just so good with authentic voice, Alicia. It’s so hard to do; to make it sound natural and not forced or stilted.
    The story is so believable, too. I’m sure this sort of exploitation for monetary gain, and crass disposal of human beings who are no longer useful, happens every day somewhere in the world.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. As others have said – great voice. Such a sad tale.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Nice one! You do this dialect so well. I can really here it.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Great voice, Alicia. A believable story about the rich taking advantage of the poor. Good writing as always. —- Suzanne

    Liked by 1 person

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